Never met a nice BMW driver

28 Jun

Closing in on his target

You know there was that Spitting Image song, “Never Met A Nice South African”.

“He’s never met a nice South African

Well that’s not very surprising mun

‘Cos we’re a bunch of arrogant bastards

Who hate black people”

Now obviously not all white South Africans are arrogant bastards who hate black people. Shaun Pollock seems nice, and I have a very nice white South African friend called Jonas who by all accounts doesn’t hate black people. So that’s two there. But, as apartheid so neatly pointed out, some of them do. Or did.

Now in the same way, you could probably sing a song along the lines of “He’s never met a nice BMW driver/Well that’s not very surprising mun/‘Cos we’re a bunch of arrogant bastards” (I’ll leave out the black people bit). How has it come to pass that BMW drivers are almost universally such cocks? I’ve met nice ones, but they’re few and far between. What makes them so?

Perhaps it’s the knowledge that BMW produce some of the best engineered cars in the world. I suppose that would make you puff your chest out a bit. Or maybe it’s the fact that most of the cars are rear-wheel drive. This means that idiots who think that they’re racing drivers can pretend that they’re in a race every time they drive on the M62. And, because they’re in a race, they dislike being held up by backmarkers. This means that if you’re in the outside lane in your non-cock car, doing a sensible little overtake of a fellow backmarker in their non-cock cars, and you impede the progress of Mr. BMW, a behemoth, Senna-esque figure in the racing series that exists in his mind, he will come up behind you and attach himself to your bumper whilst flashing his (doubtless xenon) headlights at you and gesticulating until you have the good grace to get out of his way.

I was once joining the M4 from the M5 near Bristol. On the slip road that led around to the M4, the two lanes converged into one and we, the non-cocks, all politely moved into the outside lane that became the single lane. Meanwhile, a cock in his 330Ci drives up the inside lane at great speed, passing all the polite cars, and tries to nip in front of me, which I had none of, closing up the gap so that he had to slot in behind me. As he did, I looked in my rear-view mirror and shook my head disapprovingly at him. I have never seen a more comically angry little man in all my life, as he exploded in his car, swearing maniacally (I could tell) and giving me the finger. There must have been some sort of repression going on to have reacted that angrily to someone not letting you be a cock. He needed help.

So citizens, I’m going to let you in on a little game that I like to play to prove how cockish BMW drivers mostly are, a sort of cock litmus test if you will. For this, you will need to be driving a car on a motorway and need to encounter a BMW sitting in the fast lane. What you do next is, in the next lane over, drive your car so that you start to undertake the BMW, nosing gently in front of it. To the cock, this suggests being undermined and is not something a cock will tolerate. Then sit back and watch as he floors his little Munich-mobile as fast as possible towards the horizon. The hours simply melt away. Try it, it’s a fun game. And apologies to all the nice, non-cock BMW drivers out there, but honestly, some owners are letting the side down badly.


One Response to “Never met a nice BMW driver”

  1. Pete June 30, 2010 at 12:05 pm #

    hmmm…great blog…but disagree

    it used to be BMWs for sure, but i find audi drivers to be far worse. it seems as though an A4 is the cock’s weapon of choice these days.

    but maybe i am just a cock, since i’m contemplating getting a 1 series… 🙂

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